About eight years ago, I realized I had some big challenges when it came to relationships. Firstly, I was scared to death of approaching any woman I found attractive. I was convinced they would laugh at me, and on some level, I would die a social death. I was frozen in fear. I knew I wanted a relationship, but I was too afraid to approach anyone. I didn’t know how to initiate a new connection. I think going to an all-boys school when I was younger was a key factor in this. I knew I needed a breakthrough, but how?
Then, by chance, I met some Tantra teachers and noticed how open they were about sexuality, relating, and intimacy. I realised the tantric path might be the very thing that could help me resolve this painful area of my life. I decided to do a deep dive into the subject, and signed up for a series of different courses.
My First Tantric Workshop Experience
One of the first workshops I went to was a five-day tantra training course about opening up to more bliss. We danced, did emotional processes around our childhood sexual conditioning, learnt about multi-orgasmic states and how to start opening to them, explored connecting with our senses, and so much more. It felt playful but also deep, and healing and ecstatic at the same time. And within five short days, we bonded strongly as a group. We opened up to the loving presence that I’ve come to see as being a part of every human. I realized the simple truth: we all love to love, and be loved. And we are desire intimacy—more intimacy than the vast majority of us receive.
My Biggest Breakthrough
My biggest breakthrough from that workshop came during a sharing circle; we were placed into groups of five to share how we were doing and what we were feeling. One day, we were asked to share whatever made us feel the most vulnerable. As I listened to the others, I had a very scary realisation. Yes, there was something that made me vulnerable and it tapped into one of my biggest fears. Because within our group, there was a stunningly beautiful Hollywood actress. Really, I’m not making this up! She was one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, and I was undeniably attracted to her and shit-scared of talking about my attraction.
My turn came up, and with my heart beating like crazy and in front of my group, I looked towards this woman and shared my feelings of attraction to her, and my fear of sharing this. I assumed she would be indifferent or recoil in horror, or do something that would tear me to pieces. And that was when the most unexpected thing happened. She just… melted open. She smiled and was touched. And not just that, but she was impressed that I had the balls to tell the truth.
How Tantra Transformed My Fear
That single thing transformed my fear. It made me realize that what I thought wasn’t true. Did I bed the Hollywood actress? No. But the happily-ever-after was that I realized I could put my heart and my balls on the line and talk about my attraction. Since then, it has grown easier to approach women and talk about my attraction towards them. Some women said ‘yes’; they felt an attraction too. Others said ‘no’. And pretty soon, I realized that a ‘no’ was almost as satisfying as a ‘yes’. Because who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them? After a while, I found myself thanking them for their honesty whenever they said no. Not because it was the cool thing to say, but because I really meant it.
Perhaps this change sounds small to some people, but it truly revolutionised my life. I started approaching the women I felt a real connection with. And some incredible and beautiful relationships came from that. For that, I have to thank the tantra workshops that gave me a space to explore these challenging edges. Sometimes just one key experience changes everything.
How Tantra Changed My Relationship with My Partner
One of the other key things I learnt from tantra, was how to support or ‘hold space’ for my partner. How to allow her to be in her emotions if they were present. I used to try and fix things, and resolve her issues using my intellectual powers to try and make it all good again. After some tantra training, I realised that my partner was not asking me to fix her, she was just asking me to listen and to feel her.
You know that moment when your partner tells you that you’re not listening them and you don’t know what the hell they are talking about? Tantra showed me how to navigate that place. It taught me how to listen, instead of being in my head drawing up my new list of clever fixes. So, I’d breathe her in, hear her fears, hold her, and like a cloud, her emotions would pass by and she’d be happy again. Somehow, it took a lot of weight off my shoulders. Suddenly, I found a path that was not only easy, but also more loving. And I found the part of myself that could love all of her, including her imperfections.
How Tantra Taught Me to Feel and Love My Emotions
Growing up, I took on the idea that boys don’t cry, as I think many of us do. In my teens and beyond, my emotions could be pretty cold, and I wasn’t taught how to navigate the challenging realm of feelings. Through Tantra workshops—through processes and practices—I was able to dissolve the ice and unfreeze my emotions. I began to feel more, and not only feel emotions, but let them move and transform. Pain would turn to tears, which would turn to laughter and eventually ecstasy—elation at being so free of the pain.
Before, I had feared that if I tumbled into my emotions, there would be no way out and I’d be an emotional wreck. But, actually, the more I said ‘yes’ to them, the more they would move like a river, carrying me back to a deeper, more satisfying place, and ultimately to a happy or even blissful state.
While learning about multi-orgasmic states from Tantra teacher, Shashi Solluna, something that really stood out for me were her words: “You can’t become multi-orgasmic without being multi-emotional.” The more I’ve explored Tantra, the more I’ve found that to be true. Indeed, emotions have come to be an intrinsic part of my love-making. If emotions arise in the midst of love-making, they are welcomed, whether that emotion is total bliss or the depths of pain from the past. When I first discovered this, it helped me bond with my partner in ways I’d not been able to before. It took us to a deeper level than I’d even known to be possible. It also gave space for my wounds and hurts to rise to the surface and be healed in a space of loving intimacy, and so it did for my partner. Love-making became healing medicine, as well as beautiful, joyous connection time.
Tantric Massage and Sex and Intimacy Coaching Sessions
Attending workshops is a great way of having a deep drop into the realm of tantra and its tools. Another option is tantric massage or sex and intimacy coaching sessions. A good teacher can show you how to become multi-orgasmic, and they can give you powerful communication tools to use with your partner. You could even step into a coaching session with your partner to be guided through tantric experiences that you can then explore with one another. This can be tailor-made to focus on the areas you want to work on, or if you are brand new to this area, you can allow your tantric or intimacy coach to guide you through it, step-by-step.
Tantric massage and sex and intimacy coaching practitioners can help you to overcome a variety of issues, including performance anxiety, low sex drive, and past sexual trauma, all of which women and men may have issues with. For men, common challenges can include premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, and for women, anorgasmia (the inability to achieve orgasm), as well as problems such as pain during or after sex, and arousal disorder. Whilst these may feel like insurmountable problems, many of them can be resolved over a series of sessions with a practitioner, and some of the best effects have been through bodywork. Talk therapy cannot always reach to the core of the problem, as many of these so-called ‘problems’ have a physical component that is held with the body. Indeed, I would even suggest removing the words ‘problem’ and ‘issue’, and re-name them ‘my new growth edge’. At that edge, there are new things to learn that can help resolve the issue and upgrade your love-making in profound and life-changing ways.
Perhaps it’s a grand statement, but Tantra changes lives. I know it changed mine, and I see it again and again in the clients that I work with, and in the other participants I’ve been with at trainings over the years. Tantra brings about ecstatic experiences, love life upgrades, intimacy revolutions, and so much more! Why not see if it can bring a blissful revolution to your life?
Finding a Tantric Massage Therapy or Sex and Intimacy Coaching Professional
If you’re interested in finding out how Tantric practices can help transform your life, please visit the Tantric Massage Therapy section in the Tantralize Directory to find a qualified Tantric professional near you. Many practitioners offer a free online consultation to discuss what you would like to explore, including support with sex and intimacy issues.
Due to COVID-19 and social distancing, Online Sessions are now being offered by some Tantric professionals. These sessions can include consultation, coaching, and homework.
In addition, some Sex and Intimacy Coaches are also trained in Tantric practices, and offer both in-person and online sessions.
It’s always important to read through the profiles of all practitioners and contact them to see if they can meet your needs, particularly if you require someone who is ‘trauma informed’.